Tremendous gift #2

I am seeing my reflection in window walls of buildings in downtown.

I can read names of historic buildings and their brief history engraved in the signages.

I am seeing beauty of calmness of the town, 

listening to birds chirping, 

feeling the wind on my face, 
and

looking at the sky wondering if this is what it feels like living in the moment.

I am blown away by getting to know more about the town that I have lived for over 20 years.

I am blown away by seeing myself truly taking time and start spotting so many stories in my surroundings.

I may be trying to master living in the moment at this crucial time in life.

This must be a gift from the universe.

Heading toward a beginning of ...

When a feeling of disappointment from a rejection of something that I really wanted lasted only five minutes, I realized that I am heading toward a beginning of my new dimension.

The value that I used to find is changing.

Something intangible that I earned is the only thing that can make me happy because all those tangible things can be destroyed.

My memories with those who faded away, my connection with amazing people, my fulfilled daily life cannot be destroyed by anybody nor by any life event.

I have stopped chasing anything other than myself.

~It is impossible to fathom one's karma. 
Iron, when heated in the flames and pounded, becomes a fine sword. 
Worthies and sages are tested by abuse~

Nichiren Daishonin

A synergy of past and future

I am a healer for broken hearts because I am a past.

You are a receiver to be healed because you are a bright future.

A synergy of past and future creates an incredible moment and something extraordinary happens.

A butterfly with broken hearts sits on a flower in order to drink its nectar. 

The flower’s nectar is energy and joy stemming from enriched past.

I am a flower and you are a butterfly.

I am refreshed and you are mended.

I determine that I will witness the extraordinary.

I convince that I will live forever.

Butterfly in my palm...the world is too small

Once I have learned that the world is too big, I am able to see its details and realize how small the world can be.

It is like having a butterfly landing in my palm and I look down its dancing from beginning to the end at my palm. 

I am in control of the mysterious creature that could never be grasped with my hands and hold in my palm when I was a child.

My life is butterfly.

I am owed by its interesting movement which is a recurrence of emergence and retreat of phenomena such as people, life events, my emotions, etc.

I can appreciate those phenomena that I never liked before because they manifested too quickly, too vaguely and very strangely and they were too hard to comprehend the reason why those happening to me.

I have no choice but to be transparent because...

...how can I not to be transparent when a butterfly takes my breath away?

The life of a human being is fleeting. 

The exhaled breath never waits for the inhaled one. 

Even dew before the wind is hardly a sufficient metaphor. 

It is the way of the world that whether one is wise or foolish, old or young, 

one never knows what will happen to one from one moment to the next. 

Therefore I should first of all learn about death, and then about other things

 - Nichiren Daishonin - 

The world is too big

I will not beg you for your time or try to convince you to choose me, the world is too big and I have too much to offer

- unknown-

To love oneself is the beginning of lifelong romance

- Oscar Wilde - 

One night, I was taking a walk and enjoying eclectic energies from night clubs, Cafes & restaurants and people from all walks of life in downtown.

It was around the time that I let go of a piece of me which grew to be a little toxic in me. That piece was "self-indulgence" stemming from my ultra ego. I know that I got to let it go sooner or later, otherwise, I will be self-deluded.

So, my life did rare thing that night.
I picked up a sandwich that I rarely eat. I was not even hungry.
And I talked to a stranger which I rarely do although my friend insists that I am the first one who talk to strangers...No, I don't.

That night was exceptional because I could not resist saying "Smile!" to a sad and stressed profile.
It was like a piece of art that has damage and future with beautifully corrupted expression.

He looked at me and I saw a glimpse of his smile but the soul that had been damaged could not sustain that smile.

I thought....
if I could touch his heart and change it to something positive even for a moment, 
I would find a meaning of life, a true meaning of life, a true self that I had been promised to be.

Our conversation was norm but the intensity of honesty and trust was surreal.

When he gave me a big hug and I hug him back the same way, I knew I touched his heart.
There was a universality in that hug that would never fade away...
care, trust and friendship.

I may never see him again but I felt so fulfilled because I knew he would be fine.
He will find a way out of the struggle.

The world is too big. 
I have too much to offer and he had too much to offer regardless of what life condition he was in.  

He enabled me to do something that I have been wanting to do for a long time.
He enabled the beginning of my lifelong romance that is to love myself.

Magic continues....

Magic continues...

I am living in the life that I never thought I would.

My financial status has not been changed except for having a little better credit score than before.
My marital status has not been changed except for from being widowed to a single.
My living status has not been changed since losing my soul mate to losing my loving Black lab...as always being alone.
My housing status has not been changed so much from two bedrooms with backyard to one bedroom without backyard but to a little more nicer apartment.

However, here is what magic continues...

My awareness of people's sensitivity in communication is becoming more natural yet sharper because I understand their pains more than before.

My awareness of what intangible things can do to my well-being is becoming more clear.

I am more aware of a beauty of sunset while driving one evening...
I am more aware of joy of being told by someone who never acknowledged my greetings before, "Have a good weekend" suddenly.
I am more aware of drinking a cup of coffee with a finest china that I saved for many years to use for a fancy dinner table but using now in my daily life giving me a tremendous luxury to my soul.

Profundity of conversation with my friends is becoming a joy of living.

My connection with people is getting stronger and stronger.

I am just gaining so much by losing the most precious existences in my life because I appreciate what they have brought to me, that is an inspiration to live and become happier and that is the only way I can continue.

The magic continues...

Magic is still there...

I used to think that my Black Labrador Retriever, Tbone's snoring was a magic.
Just hearing his most relaxed sound and feeling him next to me was a magic.
Soon after losing my soul mate suddenly and listening to my dog's snoring in a bed alone in the middle of night was truly magical.

The magic is that he is with me and alive.

Now I was about to be trapped by a thought that the magic is gone just because he was diagnosed with a cancer, but fortunately, I managed not to be trapped by that.

Because I knew that nothing could destroy my happiness with my soul mate and Tbone once I experienced it and engraved it in my life.

I am listening to Gregory Porter with Lalah Hathaway and think of my life with my soul mate.

- We were lovers and the best of friends -

"Insanity" by Gregory Porter

Realized that magic is still there...

その夜、私は、家に帰ってから、久しぶりに青森の実家に電話をした。

―ニュースで津波警報があったから、大丈夫？　ぜんぜん、大丈夫だよ、そう、みんな元気？　兄さんも体に気をつけて―というわずか四分の会話だった。アメリカの不景気と私の職探しの状況を伝えた。

いつものように、寝る前にお風呂に入った。

大好きな音楽をかけながら、乳白色のバスクリンとクラリーセージのオイルを入れたお風呂に浸かりながら、ゆらゆらするキャンドルの炎を見ながら、日本の家族のことを考えた。

一番上の兄は、クラークが亡くなった時に、見事に経済援助をしてくれた。

成功した外科医の彼は、一番末っ子の私をいつも可愛がってくれた。ちょっと手の届かないエリートの兄だと思ったのに、人間味のある人だったんだと、大人になってから分かった。

よく喧嘩した二番目の兄は、今は、素晴らしい奥さんと二人の子供に恵まれて、地域でいろいろと忙しく活躍をしているようだ。

九州に嫁いで三人の子供を育てた姉は、子供の頃は私の憧れの存在として私の世界に君臨し、今は良き話し相手となって、週に一度はメールの交換をする。

父は、母が亡くなってから二十年後に他界し、私たち兄弟だけが残った。

家族の中で、私だけが、今、ここアメリカで、子供も伴侶もいず、仕事もなく、ただ生きている。

たった独りで何をしようとしているのか？　という気持ちがよぎった。　

何のために生きているのか？　と自分に問いただしたりした。

その答えは知っているはずなのに・・・。

こんな時、空しくなって泣いてもよかった。でも、泣かなかった。

普段の私は、同情を他人から欲しがらない。でも、自分の今の状況を正直に兄に伝えて、お湯に浸かっていたら、同情して欲しいような感傷的な気持ちが湧いて来た。そして、なぜか、その感傷が私を心地よくした。

自分に甘えているというのではなく、そういう気持ちになれるスペースが、私にはまだあったと分かった心地良さだった。

こうやって、明日もどうなるか分からないような生活をしていることは、奇跡なのかもしれないと思った。

いや、奇跡ではなく、魔法なのだ。

私の生活は、こんな魔法の連続のような気がしてきた。

ベッドルームではティーボーンが、人間並みな大きないびきをかいて寝ている。

ティーボーンが人間並みないびきをかいていることも魔法のような気がしてきた。

クラークのお婆さんのアンテイックなドレッサーの上のキャンドルの火がちらちら、浴槽から見える。

ビル・エバンスの “My Romance”が聴こえて来る・・・・ライブ演奏だから、音が少し狂っているピアノを使っているようだ。でも、彼の心の琴線が見事にそのピアノを正常な音にして奏でている。いや、音がちょっと狂っているから良かったのかもしれない。　

これは、ビル・エバンスが亡くなる一年前の演奏だ。

まるで、彼のアルコールとドラッグで蝕まれた体から滲みでるものは、ただ情熱しかないような、そんな弾き方だった。

魔法にかかった私の心は、彼の心が読めるようだった。　

　

ビル・エバンスのピアノとキャンドルの炎と浴槽の中のすべすべの自分の肌が、魔法を感じさせたのだろうか。

ホームシックでもなく、孤独でもなく、悲しみでもなく、何かそれらの感情を全部混ぜて当分した気持ち・・・ニュートラル。それは、平穏でほんのりした気持に近かった。

～セピア色の人生・醍醐味～より