In my backyard, on a beautiful sunny day, I am looking at my black lab chasing a frisbee toy and I am feeling something so nostalgic.
It is the air that I felt so nostalgic.
It is the fragrance in the air that I cannot even smell but I feel something so nostalgic fragrance.
It is the brightness of the sun coming from a beautiful endless blue sky that I feel something so nostalgic.
I described in my first published novel called "At this moment, I feel happiness" that there is always something in the sky, in the air and in the natural brightness that never changes no matter how many years pass by....there is something fundamentally the same there.
When I suddenly see the sepia tone sunset illuminating the streets while I am driving, I feel awed.
There is no difference between here I am in Austin Texas 2015 feeling something so nostalgic and a bobbed hair Japanese girl in Japan mid 1970s surrounded by endless beautiful scenery feeling so joyful playing with friends.
Something fundamentally the same there....
Although a reality tells me that so many things have been changed in the past thirty years such as no more telephone booth in the street corner, instead, people talking to invisible someone while shopping at grocery stores or constantly looking down sending text message instead of walking joyfully looking straight ahead...no more.
The fundamental sameness is "sense" that we feel which makes us feel nostalgic and happy.
These are the moments that I feel so human when I feel so nostalgic....touching the air, smelling the wind, looking at endless sky.
These are the moments I feel happiness.
It was a cold drizzling night which perfectly fitted my overwhelming mixed feelings - inadequate and empowering.
I was driving home after work.
I was tired and pensive.
I was thinking of the lifeless intensive face which had been shadowing my mind since he said to me earlier today, "you have not even mastered this yet...." with cold and arrogant tone.
It was just enough to make me feel inadequate.
I was also thinking of a beautiful face which told me, "every time you leave my place, I feel I can conquer the world....thank you"
It was just enough to make me feel empowering.
I decided to eat out hoping to wash away those cold drizzling feelings.
So, I went to a cozy Mediterranean restaurant in my neighborhood.
The restaurant was a little crowded being Friday night but they had a perfect spot for me in the corner.
I passed by a joyful crowd who were posing for a camera taken by an waitress and sat down at the corner table.
After I ordered the usual and was watching that joyful crowd in front of me, an waitress came to my table and asked me,
"Do you want an espresso coffee with your steak?"
"How did you know?"
"They said you always order a rare steak and an espresso, you are like a celebrity."
It was a magic moment.
I remember who truly I am.
I am the one who has already mastered how to cherish and enjoy my solitude.
I am the one who could make someone feel powerful and joyful.
Suddenly, I remembered that lifeless intensive face and realized that his laugh with twitching face and uptight voice was inadequate and he himself was a master of inadequate.
I realized that I needed that inadequate feeling in order to experience this magic moment.
As my realization progressed from that moment, I was again able to celebrate my life with this wonderful meal.
I was again able to contemplate my life and realize how powerful and beautiful my life has become.
I know that I can smile at the master of inadequate tomorrow.
The amazing power resides in that smile after conquering my lesser self world.
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