Butterfly in my palm...the world is too small

Once I have learned that the world is too big, I am able to see its details and realize how small the world can be.

It is like having a butterfly landing in my palm and I look down its dancing from beginning to the end at my palm. 

I am in control of the mysterious creature that could never be grasped with my hands and hold in my palm when I was a child.

My life is butterfly.

I am owed by its interesting movement which is a recurrence of emergence and retreat of phenomena such as people, life events, my emotions, etc.

I can appreciate those phenomena that I never liked before because they manifested too quickly, too vaguely and very strangely and they were too hard to comprehend the reason why those happening to me.

I have no choice but to be transparent because...

...how can I not to be transparent when a butterfly takes my breath away?

The life of a human being is fleeting. 

The exhaled breath never waits for the inhaled one. 

Even dew before the wind is hardly a sufficient metaphor. 

It is the way of the world that whether one is wise or foolish, old or young, 

one never knows what will happen to one from one moment to the next. 

Therefore I should first of all learn about death, and then about other things

 - Nichiren Daishonin - 

The world is too big

I will not beg you for your time or try to convince you to choose me, the world is too big and I have too much to offer

- unknown-

To love oneself is the beginning of lifelong romance

- Oscar Wilde - 

One night, I was taking a walk and enjoying eclectic energies from night clubs, Cafes & restaurants and people from all walks of life in downtown.

It was around the time that I let go of a piece of me which grew to be a little toxic in me. That piece was "self-indulgence" stemming from my ultra ego. I know that I got to let it go sooner or later, otherwise, I will be self-deluded.

So, my life did rare thing that night.
I picked up a sandwich that I rarely eat. I was not even hungry.
And I talked to a stranger which I rarely do although my friend insists that I am the first one who talk to strangers...No, I don't.

That night was exceptional because I could not resist saying "Smile!" to a sad and stressed profile.
It was like a piece of art that has damage and future with beautifully corrupted expression.

He looked at me and I saw a glimpse of his smile but the soul that had been damaged could not sustain that smile.

I thought....
if I could touch his heart and change it to something positive even for a moment, 
I would find a meaning of life, a true meaning of life, a true self that I had been promised to be.

Our conversation was norm but the intensity of honesty and trust was surreal.

When he gave me a big hug and I hug him back the same way, I knew I touched his heart.
There was a universality in that hug that would never fade away...
care, trust and friendship.

I may never see him again but I felt so fulfilled because I knew he would be fine.
He will find a way out of the struggle.

The world is too big. 
I have too much to offer and he had too much to offer regardless of what life condition he was in.  

He enabled me to do something that I have been wanting to do for a long time.
He enabled the beginning of my lifelong romance that is to love myself.

Magic continues....

Magic continues...

I am living in the life that I never thought I would.

My financial status has not been changed except for having a little better credit score than before.
My marital status has not been changed except for from being widowed to a single.
My living status has not been changed since losing my soul mate to losing my loving Black lab...as always being alone.
My housing status has not been changed so much from two bedrooms with backyard to one bedroom without backyard but to a little more nicer apartment.

However, here is what magic continues...

My awareness of people's sensitivity in communication is becoming more natural yet sharper because I understand their pains more than before.

My awareness of what intangible things can do to my well-being is becoming more clear.

I am more aware of a beauty of sunset while driving one evening...
I am more aware of joy of being told by someone who never acknowledged my greetings before, "Have a good weekend" suddenly.
I am more aware of drinking a cup of coffee with a finest china that I saved for many years to use for a fancy dinner table but using now in my daily life giving me a tremendous luxury to my soul.

Profundity of conversation with my friends is becoming a joy of living.

My connection with people is getting stronger and stronger.

I am just gaining so much by losing the most precious existences in my life because I appreciate what they have brought to me, that is an inspiration to live and become happier and that is the only way I can continue.

The magic continues...

Magic is still there...

I used to think that my Black Labrador Retriever, Tbone's snoring was a magic.
Just hearing his most relaxed sound and feeling him next to me was a magic.
Soon after losing my soul mate suddenly and listening to my dog's snoring in a bed alone in the middle of night was truly magical.

The magic is that he is with me and alive.

Now I was about to be trapped by a thought that the magic is gone just because he was diagnosed with a cancer, but fortunately, I managed not to be trapped by that.

Because I knew that nothing could destroy my happiness with my soul mate and Tbone once I experienced it and engraved it in my life.

I am listening to Gregory Porter with Lalah Hathaway and think of my life with my soul mate.

- We were lovers and the best of friends -

"Insanity" by Gregory Porter

Realized that magic is still there...

その夜、私は、家に帰ってから、久しぶりに青森の実家に電話をした。

―ニュースで津波警報があったから、大丈夫？　ぜんぜん、大丈夫だよ、そう、みんな元気？　兄さんも体に気をつけて―というわずか四分の会話だった。アメリカの不景気と私の職探しの状況を伝えた。

いつものように、寝る前にお風呂に入った。

大好きな音楽をかけながら、乳白色のバスクリンとクラリーセージのオイルを入れたお風呂に浸かりながら、ゆらゆらするキャンドルの炎を見ながら、日本の家族のことを考えた。

一番上の兄は、クラークが亡くなった時に、見事に経済援助をしてくれた。

成功した外科医の彼は、一番末っ子の私をいつも可愛がってくれた。ちょっと手の届かないエリートの兄だと思ったのに、人間味のある人だったんだと、大人になってから分かった。

よく喧嘩した二番目の兄は、今は、素晴らしい奥さんと二人の子供に恵まれて、地域でいろいろと忙しく活躍をしているようだ。

九州に嫁いで三人の子供を育てた姉は、子供の頃は私の憧れの存在として私の世界に君臨し、今は良き話し相手となって、週に一度はメールの交換をする。

父は、母が亡くなってから二十年後に他界し、私たち兄弟だけが残った。

家族の中で、私だけが、今、ここアメリカで、子供も伴侶もいず、仕事もなく、ただ生きている。

たった独りで何をしようとしているのか？　という気持ちがよぎった。　

何のために生きているのか？　と自分に問いただしたりした。

その答えは知っているはずなのに・・・。

こんな時、空しくなって泣いてもよかった。でも、泣かなかった。

普段の私は、同情を他人から欲しがらない。でも、自分の今の状況を正直に兄に伝えて、お湯に浸かっていたら、同情して欲しいような感傷的な気持ちが湧いて来た。そして、なぜか、その感傷が私を心地よくした。

自分に甘えているというのではなく、そういう気持ちになれるスペースが、私にはまだあったと分かった心地良さだった。

こうやって、明日もどうなるか分からないような生活をしていることは、奇跡なのかもしれないと思った。

いや、奇跡ではなく、魔法なのだ。

私の生活は、こんな魔法の連続のような気がしてきた。

ベッドルームではティーボーンが、人間並みな大きないびきをかいて寝ている。

ティーボーンが人間並みないびきをかいていることも魔法のような気がしてきた。

クラークのお婆さんのアンテイックなドレッサーの上のキャンドルの火がちらちら、浴槽から見える。

ビル・エバンスの “My Romance”が聴こえて来る・・・・ライブ演奏だから、音が少し狂っているピアノを使っているようだ。でも、彼の心の琴線が見事にそのピアノを正常な音にして奏でている。いや、音がちょっと狂っているから良かったのかもしれない。　

これは、ビル・エバンスが亡くなる一年前の演奏だ。

まるで、彼のアルコールとドラッグで蝕まれた体から滲みでるものは、ただ情熱しかないような、そんな弾き方だった。

魔法にかかった私の心は、彼の心が読めるようだった。　

　

ビル・エバンスのピアノとキャンドルの炎と浴槽の中のすべすべの自分の肌が、魔法を感じさせたのだろうか。

ホームシックでもなく、孤独でもなく、悲しみでもなく、何かそれらの感情を全部混ぜて当分した気持ち・・・ニュートラル。それは、平穏でほんのりした気持に近かった。

～セピア色の人生・醍醐味～より

Life is too precious to be rude to others and not to smile.

I felt all those adversities that I went through were nothing to compare with what these precious young girls going through when I saw them cutting vegetables for stir-fried vegetables and helping me to make Miso soup.

Their bright lives without vision since birth did not only bring me to tears but also another insights and determinations about life such as...

I will no longer lament on my dog leaving me soon since he is old.

I will no longer being discouraged when things does not go the way I want.

I will never be annoyed by petty things and ignorant people.

I will never and ever surrender to delusional visions.

Because life is too precious to be rude to others and not to smile.

Straitforward pure soul searching again - yearning for nostalgic pasta

When something unexpected happens, you feel that the universe is bigger than you think.

But you don't realize it happened because of who you are.

It happened like this...

I was taken to a cozy chic bar & restaurant in Osaka by a friend whom I met through my job and introduced to a stylish and humble boy with a warm smile who is a manager of that bar.

I realized that it was planned by the universe. 

The universe knew that it would be the only way we could all be together.

To make a long story short....

We agreed we love music.

We were listening to Ray Charles, Donny Hathaway, Al Green, etc.

They yearned for being born in those golden music era such as 60's and 70's like me.

Their admiration for my  knowledge and experience with music blew me away, but actually, I felt that it was for who I am, a woman have known many sorrows, joys, defeat, suffering and loss and have now an appreciation to live. 

They were piercing deep into the heart of me without knowing.

I could not hide that I was mesmerized by them and could not hide I was admiring their straightforward pure soul searching hearts.

And I realized that I was seeing myself in them when I was at their age, yearning for exactly what they yearned for now at that time.

When my friend said he wants to take me to a nostalgic pasta restaurant next time I come to Osaka, I was simply shocked. 
How could you know that I yearned for nostalgic Italian pasta in Japan?

Music and food are so powerful.

I fell in love with the whole experience helplessly because of him.

I will start soul searching again like I used to more purely and seriously...

予期せぬことが起こると、宇宙って自分が思ったより以上に大きいんだなぁと感動するけれど、実は、そもそもこういう自分だから起こったんだとは気づかなかったりする。

それは、こんなふうに展開していった。

仕事で知り合った友人が、私を大阪の粋なバー＆レストランに連れて行き、スタイリッシュで素敵な笑顔の青年を紹介してくれた。そのバーのマネージャーだった。

それは、なるべくしてなるという宇宙の計画だったのだ。

レイチャールズ、ダニーハサウエィ、アルグリーンを聴きながら、私たちは全員、音楽が好きだと合意した。

彼らは自分たちが、私が生まれ育った６０年代や７０年代の音楽の黄金時代に生まれなかったことを悔しがっていた。

彼らは、私の音楽に関する知識や体験を崇拝したけれど、実は、私の奥深くまで入り込んでいたのを知らなかった。私が、様様な悲しみや喜び、敗北、苦しみ、喪失を通ってきた女であるところまで入り込んでいた。そして今、私は、そのおかげで感謝しながら生きているということを、彼らは崇拝してくれているような気がした。

私は、彼らにうっとりしていることを隠すことができなかった。

私は、彼らの純粋な魂の行方を求めている姿に惚れ惚れする自分を隠せなかった。

そして彼らの中に自分を見た。

自分が彼らの年齢の時、同じことを悔やんだ。同じように魂の行方を求めていた。

友人が、今度大阪に来たら、あのなつかしのパスタ屋さんに連れて行きたいと私に言った時、ショックを受けた。
なぜ、私が日本で懐かしのパスタを食べたいと知ってるの？

音楽と食べ物はとてもパワフル。

彼のおかげで、私は彼らとのこのひと時にどうしようもなく恋してしまった。

また、昔の自分のように魂の行方を捜し始めよう。。。もっと純粋にもっと真剣に。

Realta Osaka

www.realta.jp 

Miraculous story...how our lives work

This is one of my most miraculous stories in my life.

My friend was going through a very intensive cancer treatment for 36 days.

He had to endure wearing a mask for 16 minutes with mixed feelings of claustrophobia, pain, fear, lonely, and  all other feelings that you don't want to have.  

He knew that he would not survive without going through this treatment.

At the same time, I was in Japan visiting the very sacred place, Sado Island and thinking of world peace and praying for all my family and friend's happiness.

Nothing made him feel free from those worst feelings that he ever had in his life not even his wonderful family faces nor his favorite food Eggplant Parmesan except for one thing...a vision of three people chanting, me, my soul mate and his best friend in front of a mandala 25 years ago.

He remembered the wall was shaking when they were chanting, my distinguished long hair and head moving once a while and our united tone and rhythm of chanting like a sound of a horse galloping. 

As soon as the treatment started, this vision came to his mind.

Every single treatment, every single 16 minutes, every single unknown fear was calmed down by this vision and the sound in his memory.  
  
After 36 days, he completed his treatment.  He survived.

"What is a life worth for?" he said to me.

I said to myself, what can be more powerful than somebody's prayer almost quarter century ago that can save someone's life? 

This is how our lives function, how we live and how The Universe works.

We are all living for each other.

Love,