The lost days ~Canned Anmits (Agar) desert

I had been trying to reach out the days I never had subconsciously for a long time.

Those were the days I chose not to have.

I realized that I needed to lose those days once so that I could discover another dimension of my life such as a recovery alcoholic, ambivalence of being Japanese and negritude in me and passion to live.

Never imagined that it would take almost 28 years to reach out those lost days.

And never imagined that it would take only one spontaneous simple amazing gathering to do so.

It came to me suddenly but very natural way...I was in Osaka meeting a heartwarming Japanese people showering with Chinese food, beautiful Japanese Sense, genuine questions about life that they never had and genuine smiles from their pure hearts.

By the time I got to my Hotel after saying good-bye to them, I developed a feeling that I never had, a true sense of appreciation of who I was, who I am, and who I will be.

I woke up in the middle of that night and felt little hungry and found canned Anmitsu desert that a young man who sat next to me during that gathering gave to me.

I ate it with a beautiful silver spoon that he gave me as a gift and felt that I was having a crush on him and crush on those people and surprisingly on my life.

I made a toast to wonderful heartwarming people and to my future with a canned Anmits (Agar) desert.

I am falling in love with my life more than ever...

長い間、無意識に失われた日々に近づこうとしていた。

それは、自ら選んだ道。２８年という長い日々。

今思えば、その２８年という日々は失われるべきだった。

そのおかげで、自分のもっと深い部分、自分の魂の別の次元が顕れることができたから。

アルコール中毒回復者というレッテルを貼った自分、自分の中の黒人性、
そして生きることへの渇望。

まさか、その失われた日々に近づくために２８年という歳月が必要だったとは。。

それは、突然、でも自然に、私に訪れた。

私は、大阪でほのぼのとした日本人のグループに会っていた。

中華料理と、素晴らしい日本の扇と,　自分たちが経験したことのない人生への素朴な質問と、彼らの純粋な心から出てくる自然な笑顔が、その夜の大阪の雨のシャワーのように、私に降りかかってきた。

大阪の丸ビルにあるホテルに着いた頃は、私の中で説明できない感情が込みあがってきた。なんというか、、、過去の自分に感謝したい、そして、現在の自分にも未来の自分にも感謝したい、そんな感情。

その夜は、あまりにも興奮してせっかくの中華料理を味わえなかったせいか、三時ごろおなかがすいて目が覚めた。餡蜜の缶詰が見つかった。

中華料理店で私の隣に座り細やかに私のお世話をしてくれた
あの人がくれた餡蜜。

私はそれを一気にたべた。
彼からいただいたお土産の銀色のスプーンで。

食べているうちに、彼に対してきゅんとした切ない気持ちがこみ上げてきた、そしてあのほのぼのとしたみんなにも切ない気持ちがこみ上げてきた。。。いつしか自分自身にもそんな気持ちがこみ上げてきた。

明け方、三時ごろ、素晴らしい出会いと未来に餡蜜で乾杯した。

自分の人生に、どんどん恋している。

Beautiful past ~Unknown tomorrow ~ Treasures

Longing for the past and witnessing its beauty, 

I feel a little melancholy for unknown tomorrow 

but realize how amazing it is to have beautiful past as my treasures to be proud of.

過ぎ去った日々や出来事がどんどん素敵になってくる。

未知の明日が少しだけ寂しい。

でも過去が美しくなるなんて最高の財産。

If I can touch those hearts....- Buckwheat noodle (Soba) Salad

Again, I am driving home from graveyard shift looking up the night sky ahead of me, listening to O'Jay's old song "Loving You" and loving the thought of loving someone again.

My new joy is to find a moment to get more closer to my true core.

In order to do so, I have to touch so many hearts....

I started reading Chief Seattle's letter... "How can you buy or sell the sky? The land? ...if we do not own the freshness of the air and the sparkle of the water, how can you sell them?" and feeling my heart beating faster.

I started thinking of the moment when Beethoven played "Ode to Joy" for the first time in public yet he could not hear the overwhelming applause and remembering that we can make impossible possible.

I started playing the piano again and touching the heart of Bach every day even if it can be only ten minutes.

Then, I thought, if I can touch those amazing hearts, what else do I want more?

If I can touch those hearts, I don't want anything.

Maybe my life is already complete because I am touching and feeling those hearts and crying...

This is my true core and true love.

And I can fall in love again. Seriously.

************************************************************

I tend to forget how amazing heritage I have by growing up eating Buckwheat noodle, which contributes not only to my health and diet but also to a way of feeling who I am ...loving to be born as a Japanese!!!

Ingredients ・4 servings:

• 4 bundles of dried Soba noodle (buckwheat noodle)
• green onions (chopped)
• Red peppers (julienne cut)
• Edamae, carrots, or any vegetables fit to your adventure
• Sesame oil : 2 tablespoon or as you like
• Ponzu sauce: 2 tablespoon or more as you like as you taste
• Seasoned Rive Vinegar (Sushi Vinegar): 2 tablesoon or more as you like
• Sugar: 1~2 teaspoon
• Mirin: 1 tablespoon or more (optional)

Cooking ・4 servings:

• Cook Soba noodles until al dente
• Drain when done and rinse with cold water
• In a large bowl, put noodle and all the vegetables
• Add the seasoning 
• Toss everything very well

Life goes on no matter what....so many gifts in my life

This Christmas, I saw beautiful gift boxes at a Coffee shop falling from the sky.

Those were shinning in the pitch-dark sky as if telling me that there are so many gifts in our life.

It reminded me of amazing gifts that I received all these years.

I started thinking of those gifts and felt tremendous fortune and joy in my life because I have those gifts forever in me and nobody can take away from me.

They instantly froze in my heart when give to me and manifest in my vision once a while when I need most.

A beautiful sky that I saw many years ago,

A stormy weather that I enjoyed so much in a lonely night,

Many beautiful tears from my friends when I had to say good-bye,

My mother's graceful smiles,

My soul mate's gaze far beyond the horizon, 

and so on.

Life goes on no matter what...

Mozart's Coffee Roasters in Austin Texas

An artist ~ an extraordinary spirit

You can buy the whole world and you are empty

but when you create the whole world, you are full.

~Louise Nevelson~

Louise Nevelson had never been real to me until I started discovering a piece of me that I never knew.

It happened at the right time when I started to catching a glimpse of reality such as

my dog's aging by seeing him slightly declining of his mobility, 

my own aging by sending a telegraph to my nephew's wedding in Japan who used to be on my lap and 

seeing myself in the self-view of a virtual conference at work and feeling "Is this me? I look like my grandma. My grandma was prettier than this "

I may not have such an extraordinary spirit like her who never gave up on her ability to create although she was discouraged about life and discouraged about blind people not understanding her art almost 40 years but I have a spirit to feel her closer to me than ever now.

She said, "The very nature of creation is not a performing glory on the outside, it's a painful, difficult search within"

Louise, just like your art, which some people say they can hear Bach, I want to create something that people can hear music and feel their own true heart.

Nothing can surpass you when you understand who truly you are and your depth.

A perfect hideaway~ Shinjuku,Tokyo to Sado Island ~

I felt so isolated from my reality when I was riding a train in Shinjuku,Tokyo and watching those stoic Japanese people who seemed to be so indifferent to each other.

It was surreal that I was the only one who was dragging a heavy suitcase in the crowded train and I was the only one who was gasping.

As I was holding on to the strap and calming down, I shifted my gaze to outside of the window and the very familiar and nostalgic scenery was coming into view.

tall buildings...

huge signs of corporations...

the roofs of the houses overlapping...

the sky....

and myself

I felt myself staring into my soul and remember I was once one of these people.

I feel a wonder of life that your life can be changed in one moment, one day, one year, one decade, two decades, three decades, and so on.

Feeling an isolation in a crowded train and staring into my soul already gave me a feeling of perfect hideaway even before arriving at Sado Island, where my friend would describe as an incredibly quiet village with almost no people to be seen in the streets yet feeling a buzz.

This trip traveling two-thirds of Japan visiting my friends and family and ending in Sado Island gave me a complete rest and freedom because I was able to examine my life and see who I was and who I am, and maybe, who I will be…

I realized that dealing with daily choirs, going to work every day and making ends meet made me feel this completeness.

I am so glad that I am an ordinary working class person.

I am feeling a buzz in my life.

"Time" fascinates me - This moment is all I got

"Time" fascinates me.

When I sat on the same spot of a front porch where my soul mate sat 40 years ago with his first guitar, I felt something so incredible in "time"

When I saw the sky and the trees from a window of my friend's car driving from Morioka to Aomori in Japan, I felt something so beautiful in "time".

The "time" did not destroy a beauty of the sky and trees in that Northern Part of Japan since I left there.

The "time" did not make me sad when I sat on the front porch but made the 12 years old boy in the pic with his guitar so shinning because his soul mate visited and honored him 40 years later.

Facing "time" brings me those inexplicable and mysterious feelings and I think it was probably one of the most amazing experiences that I face every day life.

Every time I face "time", I realize something so important in life.

I cannot live in the past.

I cannot live in the future.

This moment is all I got.