Life is so amazing....just a piece of Universe

When I saw a man who looked drunk with very sad eyes standing at my door asking if he could come to my soul mate's funeral with T-shirt and jeans, I said to him, " Of course. I remember you, Jim-boooo, right? Clark used to call you like that" 

It was so incredible that I was looking at someone who took my soul mate to a hospital for a surgery in the summer of 2007, and, now 2009 January, that same person was standing in front of me looking like he was going to burst into tears at my door.

I said to him, "Thank you for taking Clark to the hospital... I was in Japan that summer and you were so kind to take him..." and I thought, "What am I saying? He is dead, it does not matter any more"

Life is so amazing....because we never know what will happen next moment.

When I see those moments objectively and ponder it later, I realize that I, who live in the moments, am just a piece of Universe and can only live in those moments.

As I was looking at Jim-boooo, I also realized that when we die, we all surely die, so Clark will never come back to me.

When the drunk Jim-booooo stood in front of a microphone at the funeral service, I knew it would become the most heartfelt condolence.  

And yes, it did. 

I will never forget Jim-boooo, his sad eyes, shabby jeans and tipsy eulogy and always remember his heart and those days that I honestly so much in love with someone.

Azuki bean paste - Live true to yourself

Josei Toda, who is my mentor's mentor said, "Live true to yourself" just before he ended his incredible life of a great ordinary person. 

His insight pierced directly through people's miseries and unhappiness, and its effect still echoed in my heart 55 years after his death in 1958.  

He had an extraordinary passion to inspire and encourage suffering people.
When he encouraged people, he manipulated the Buddhism life philosophy in his own unique way and transformed it into simple analogies of our daily lives.

For example, he said that we were all born to be happy, but without experiencing hardships, we cannot enjoy happy life, just like adding a pinch of salt into sweet red-bean (Azuki bean) soup to enhance the sweetness intensity. ( or salt to watermelon; salt to baked goods)

His spiritual legacy from my mentor became my lifeblood, therefore, I was not defeated when I was fired abruptly ten days after my husband lost his job (Never imagined in million years that he would die abruptly eight months after this incident).

In fact, I was admiring a beauty of high-rise buildings against blue sky background from a window on 18th floor in San Francisco financial district when I was fired, and then said to those cowards with smile, "Thank you for firing me so I can grow" 

By Josei Toda

Whether you suffer from poverty or failure in business, 
or you are miserable because of marital discord, 
or you get injured falling over a charcoal brazier, 
ultimately all such sufferings are your own life. 

They are manifestations of the living phenomenon that is your life.  
When we view things in this way, we see that 
all occurrences in our daily existence are changes in our lives.  

The important thing, therefore, is to try to cause more positive changes 
and ceaselessly make efforts to secure happiness.

So the key is to live true to yourself....

To live based on other people or circumstances,
always thinking,
"Things would be fine if that person would only do such-and-such,"
or "If the world were only like this then I could be happy,"
is a mistake, is it not?

You have to realize that living true to yourself is the only way.

No matter where we go, we can never escape from our self.
Happiness and misery, everything in life, is contained in the single word oneself.  

Ultimately, victory or defeat in life comes down to a matter of
disciplining and dignifying this inescapable thing that is the self.





Oshiruko - Sweet Redbean paste (Azuki bean) souce

Imagawayaki - Round pancake filled with Azuki bean paste

Sweet Azuki bean Agar

Stoned Baked Japanese Sweet Potatoes~ A veil of night

It was around 6 pm when I got off my work in mid January, Austin Texas in a very tasteless industrial shopping mall parking lot.

As I was driving out of that parking lot, suddenly, I surely felt a veil of night and felt indescribably content.  It was like the whole scene was enveloped in mist and I felt very nostalgic.

Catching such moment when driving alone was so incredible that I had to think, "What was that?" as if I saw a ghost.

I remember that moment was a little hazy and light blue, and it was far from the miseries I had to witness every day in my environment.

Even though it was a split second feeling, I felt that moment forever.

I remember that moment was so quiet that it had a power to make me someone I never thought I could be...a quiet person.

Maybe, I am a truly quiet person because I was able to catch such quiet moment.

That moment was a collection of intangible things in a split second.

Maybe, I really don't need anything anymore such as a brand new car, a nice house, a spouse, retirement savings, etc. if I can feel such moment.

If I can feel such moment with a jazz piano of Bill Evans, it would be a complete world to me.

As I am writing these amazing feelings, I feel a strong presence next to me which is gazing at me so intensely and hoping forever that he can have flying Japanese sweet potato I am eating.

I remember that long time ago in Japan, I heard sound of whistle and voice like singing "Ishiyaki Imo~, Ishiyaki Imo~<stone baked sweet potatoes>" from a push-cart vendors selling stone baked Japanese sweet potatoes after dark...it was definitely a veil of night...in a very cold season eating hot Japanese sweet potatoes was one of the best eating snack memories in my life.

Now in US, I am thinking of nostalgic intangible quiet moment with my huge black lab sitting next to me, throwing him Japanese sweet potato cooked in a microwave and enjoying his vacuum like sound catching those in the air.

I could never train him to be a world champion of Frisbee but...maybe, a world champion of catching Japanese sweet potatoes in the air.

Anmitsu - beautiful people do not just happen

I have learned a new joy after experiencing my soul mate's death. 

This joy, which cost his life, is very interesting. It is like a game because I play with my emotions and desires by being caught in a paradox.

It is comprised of a strong sentiment coming from yearnings for something that I really want to get but cannot because I decide I better not to get. The stronger I yearn for and abstain myself from it, I become more powerful.  The sentiment is so strong that it brings me tears which can purify my being emotionally, spiritually and physically.  This whole process gives me a deep joy. It is almost like an ecstasy.  

I strongly yearn for my sexuality, ego, and to some extent, vanity.
The more I abstain from sexuality, I become more sexual than ever.
The more I abstain from ego, I am in control of myself more than ever.
The more I abstain from vanity and focus on spirituality, I become more physically beautiful.

For some reason, I connect this new joy with Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's words:

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known 

defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, 

and have found their way out of the depths.  

These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity
and an understanding of life that fills them with 

compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  

Beautiful people do not just happen. 

Maybe because, I found my way out of his loss and I know that I no longer can be knocked down by deep sorrows.

Maybe because, enjoying those thick layer of emotions (a new joy) can make me so human that I can appreciate and have a sensitivity.

Maybe, what really makes me human is when I break the abstinence after playing such game and I become true to myself.

Therefore, I have decided to continue to yearn for more and more my sexuality, ego and to some extent vanity, so that I can pursue this new joy.

Unfortunately, when it comes to Japanese desert, I have no control to play such game.  I yearn for it and have to eat before it is too late for my soul. The ultimate desert that I yearn is Anmitsu which contains many beautiful colorful ingredients like those thick emotions.  The ingredients are mainly Agar (Japanese gelatin made by sea vegetable) which amazingly balance nutrition and beauty for my body and soul and I feel that Anmitsu makes me so human and very Japanese.

Anmitsu

Ingredients:

For Kanten jelly:

1 2/3 cup water

1/2 stick kanten (agar agar), or 1 tsp kanten powder

1-2 Tbsp sugar *adjust the amount to your preference

For Syrup:

1/4 cup water

2/3 cup sugar

For Toppings:

1/3 cup anko (sweet bean paste)

fruits slices, such as kewi, strawberries or oranges

ice cream

• Soak kanten stick in water for one hour or until softened. Squeeze softened kanten and tear it into small pieces. 
• Add the kanten pieces or kanten powder in 1 2/3 cup of water in a medium pan and bring to a boil, stirring. Turn down the heat to low. Simmer until the kanten dissolves well, stirring. 
• Add sugar and stir well. Pour the liquid in a flat container and cool to firm. 
• To make syrup, mix 1/4 cup of water and 2/3 cup sugar in a sauce pan and heat to dissolve sugar. Cool the syrup. 
• Cut kanten jelly into small cubes. Serve kanten jelly and fruits into individual bowls. Pour syrup over the ingredients and top with anko.

Serve immediately and eat until you feel turning Japanese..

Soba - tears and chuckles for long happy life

One morning in Santa Rosa California, I saw a man walking carrying his dry cleaning clothes being placed on a hanger.  I started crying watching him walking down the beautiful tree-lined street nonchalantly and lightly.  I was deeply moved by the ordinary scene, a man doing one of his regular routines.  

One afternoon near Bodega Bay California, I stepped out my house to take my dogs for a walk. I stopped under a big tree at my front yard because felt gentle ocean breeze from the Bay, and then, I looked up a bright sun rays shining through the branches of the tree.  I felt tears running down my cheeks.  At that moment, I heard a jazz piano in my heart  ~The Koln Concert~  played by Keith Jarret. I was deeply moved by the ordinary nature, the gentle ocean breeze and a bright sun rays.

One evening in Austin Texas, I was driving to my work against after work traffic due to my graveyard shift. I was looking up the heavy clouds in the overcast sky, and all of a sudden, I realized that working for graveyard shift, having gloomy weather and not having anybody (except for my dog) to wait for me when I come home after work can be raw materials to produce a deep joy. 

I did not cry this time, but instead, chuckled.  

Strangely, it took relatively depressing scenes instead of the ordinary beautiful scenes to make me chuckle.

One night in Austin Texas, I finally gathered the courage to cook for beautifully corrupted people who try to construct their lives due to heavy body and mind abuse.  I realized that I have to keep on living my life for them to help them realize that they have not lost anything important in life yet because their pure hearts trying to become happy have not been destroyed yet. 

I was able to gather this courage after all those tears and chuckles.

Now, sitting at my desk recollecting all those sorrows and joys, I have never imagined that I would be so busy cooking Soba (buckwheat noodle) for my friends and family and chuckling and having tears of laughter this year, 2012.

Now, it is that time of year that I have to prepare Soba (buckwheat noodle), a bowl of hot noodle soup.  In Japan, we traditionally eat Soba on New Years Eve while waiting to greet the new year and end the old year because the long noodle symbolize the longevity, the long happy life...

Soba

Ingredients ・4 servings:

• 4 bundles of dried Soba noodle (buckwheat noodle)
• green onions (chopped)
• 6 cups Dashi soup stock (dissolve 2 teaspoon gragules or 1 stick)
• 1/2 cup Mirin
• 1/2 cup soy sauce
• 1 ~2 teaspoon sugar (optional)

Cooking:

<Noodle>

• Cook Soba noodles until al dente
• Drain when done

<Broth>

• Boil Mirin and add sugar (optional) in medium heat
• add water , Dashi soup stock and soy sauce
• Bring to a boil
• Serve soba noodle in a bowl and add soup
• Sprinkle green onions

~Serve immediately and eat while hot~

Turkish Coffee - Ingredients for happiness at my memories' cliff

Sometimes, memories can illuminate the best flavor 

that we can never re-create no matter how much we try.

One of those was my mother's pound cake tasted by my sister at a Christmas Eve in 1960's. My sister tried to re-create the same flavor after she grew up and married with three children. She tried it with all those rich and gourmet ingredients that she could buy in 1990's but always failed.

It was because the taste she remembered was consisted of her mother's big proud smile when she opened the rectangular box in front of her family after the dinner (I was a baby so don't remember it), a vivid contrast between my sister's feelings of being betrayed by her mother not providing a typical Christmas cake which should be decorated by Santa Clause & reindeer in a square box and completely unexpected flavor coming from a bumpy British style pound cake with lots of dried fruits and nuts which looked like a confectionery box distributed at a funeral, and a simplicity of those days with much less technologies than nowadays which enhance people's five sense sharper. 

She ate the whole cake even the last crumbs.

Those three ingredients - my mother's big smile, vivid contrast, a simplicity of the time- were short in my sister's recipe.

Japanese traditional European influenced Christmas cake made by rich butter cream

Amazing simple bumpy pound cake with lots of nuts and dried fruits

Another one was a canned coffee that I drank while reading Japanese comic books at a bookstore on my way home after a summer short course to prepare for college entrance exams in a small city, Aomori in Japan.  (a summer of 1979?)  It only cost 80 cents from a vendor machine but tasted much better in my memory than a Turkish coffee with jaggery sugar and cardamon spice that I learned to make 25 years later.

It was because I was reading a funny comic book holding back my laughter in a quiet bookstore, and enjoying every sip of the coffee which was filled with lots of milk and sugar.  My body knew that all those unhealthy ingredients in the coffee would be evaporated into me holding laughter and energy.

I learned that the happiness consists of very simple ingredients - good memories and simple food.

In time, I grew to be a catcher in my memories visualizing a scene of my favorite novel "A catcher in rye".

...standing on the edge of my memories' cliff trying to catch good moments and feelings when those are going over the memories' cliff.....

I know those memories are eternally engraved in my unconscious level but I have to pull those to my conscious level so that those can save my life at a crucial time when I feel like I want to give up everything and fade away from a reality.

************************************************************************************

Due to those simple ingredients I held in my conscious level, I was able to enjoy every moments with my 89 years old mother in law when I went to see her for a Christmas dinner at a nursing home in Kansas, Missouri.  

I was even able to laugh out at a Christmas dinner table when I found out a professional caretaker of my mother in law had been believing all these years that I was a truck driver and romantically involved with many men at one time (maybe boyfriends at every cities?).  

This time, I did not hold back my laughter but laughed out, and said to her, 

" Oh really?  Do I look like a truck driver and being involved with multiple men romantically at one time?

It is impossible since I am still in love with her son who passed away four years ago and it may last another 500 years."

Turkish Coffee with cardamon

Ingredients:

• Extremely fine grind coffee beans such as Espresso, French Roast or Columbia
• 1/2 or less teaspoon ground cardamon
• Sugar (optional)

Making:

• Add water and coffee beans into a sauce pan
• Add cardamon and sugar
• Once all the ingredients are completely dissolved, brew over a medium heat
• First boil - as soon as it starts to boil, remove the sauce pan from the heat and let the froth down.
• Repeat this two more times since the three boils create a better taste

Natto - eternally grateful for my heritage

One of the happiest memories in my life was to swim with my dog, T-Bone when I was unemployed and desperately looking for a job.  It was a summer of 2009.

Never imagined that that summer would be such unforgettable and beautiful days, especially when I had been experiencing rejections one after another by the companies I applied for.

***********************

T-Bone would always make a big splash into the lake in front of my face, which make me see nothing but water splash and everything in sight become a blur on a horizon.

Then, he calms down.  We finally swim side by side reasonably and peacefully.

Lying on my back and floating like a paper doll on the water, I gaze into the faraway sky and wonder if I ever saw a blue sky whose edge was decorated with branches of trees.  

As I enjoy watching those branches moving slowly away in my sight, I gradually visualizing my sepia-tone pictures in my life that I cherish eternally.

***Soul mate,  my mother, my father, my dogs/Chako & Muddy,

Northeastern part of Japan - a huge elementary school yard with many trees where I swung on vines like Tarzan, - thousands of white swans in front of my house which migrated from Siberia ***

This is the moment that I can convince that there will never be an end but continuation.
This is the moment that I feel so powerful because I stop defining myself by neither the job I hold nor the title of organization nor any other secular achievements, but by the sepia-tone pictures that I cherish in my life.

I transformed that summer which could be my most desperate and miserable time to the happiest moments of my life.

***********************

A nine-year-old bobbed hair girl would rush home after playing so hard in a school yard Jungle because the beautiful sunset illumination on the trees telling her the time for dinner, telling her go home.

It was a summer of 1971 when the first MacDonald opened in Japan and people in Japan started eating American fast food, but I was so lucky that I had no choice but to eat my mother's home made meal every day because it would build my strong body that can tolerate a 110-pound-black massive lab as a play mate in a summer of 2009 when the global economic decline even started affecting me.

I would rush home with wet black monster after swimming so hard and run to the kitchen start warming brown rice, cutting Japanese pickles (tsukemono), warming miso-soup and preparing my most favorite dish called Natto, which I convince, is the most miraculous food on the planet and makes me a healthiest, happiest and, moreover, a person who can eternally grateful for my heritage.

How to eat Natto:

1. Stir the natto with chopsticks. Do not mash. Stir fast and well about 10 to 15 times until it becomes sticky.
2. Pour the seasoning that comes with Natto.
3. Add your favorite vegetables or condiments such as chopped green onions, sesame seeds, eggs, mustard, wasabi, etc.