An artist ~ an extraordinary spirit

You can buy the whole world and you are empty

but when you create the whole world, you are full.

~Louise Nevelson~

Louise Nevelson had never been real to me until I started discovering a piece of me that I never knew.

It happened at the right time when I started to catching a glimpse of reality such as

my dog's aging by seeing him slightly declining of his mobility, 

my own aging by sending a telegraph to my nephew's wedding in Japan who used to be on my lap and 

seeing myself in the self-view of a virtual conference at work and feeling "Is this me? I look like my grandma. My grandma was prettier than this "

I may not have such an extraordinary spirit like her who never gave up on her ability to create although she was discouraged about life and discouraged about blind people not understanding her art almost 40 years but I have a spirit to feel her closer to me than ever now.

She said, "The very nature of creation is not a performing glory on the outside, it's a painful, difficult search within"

Louise, just like your art, which some people say they can hear Bach, I want to create something that people can hear music and feel their own true heart.

Nothing can surpass you when you understand who truly you are and your depth.

A perfect hideaway~ Shinjuku,Tokyo to Sado Island ~

I felt so isolated from my reality when I was riding a train in Shinjuku,Tokyo and watching those stoic Japanese people who seemed to be so indifferent to each other.

It was surreal that I was the only one who was dragging a heavy suitcase in the crowded train and I was the only one who was gasping.

As I was holding on to the strap and calming down, I shifted my gaze to outside of the window and the very familiar and nostalgic scenery was coming into view.

tall buildings...

huge signs of corporations...

the roofs of the houses overlapping...

the sky....

and myself

I felt myself staring into my soul and remember I was once one of these people.

I feel a wonder of life that your life can be changed in one moment, one day, one year, one decade, two decades, three decades, and so on.

Feeling an isolation in a crowded train and staring into my soul already gave me a feeling of perfect hideaway even before arriving at Sado Island, where my friend would describe as an incredibly quiet village with almost no people to be seen in the streets yet feeling a buzz.

This trip traveling two-thirds of Japan visiting my friends and family and ending in Sado Island gave me a complete rest and freedom because I was able to examine my life and see who I was and who I am, and maybe, who I will be…

I realized that dealing with daily choirs, going to work every day and making ends meet made me feel this completeness.

I am so glad that I am an ordinary working class person.

I am feeling a buzz in my life.

"Time" fascinates me - This moment is all I got

"Time" fascinates me.

When I sat on the same spot of a front porch where my soul mate sat 40 years ago with his first guitar, I felt something so incredible in "time"

When I saw the sky and the trees from a window of my friend's car driving from Morioka to Aomori in Japan, I felt something so beautiful in "time".

The "time" did not destroy a beauty of the sky and trees in that Northern Part of Japan since I left there.

The "time" did not make me sad when I sat on the front porch but made the 12 years old boy in the pic with his guitar so shinning because his soul mate visited and honored him 40 years later.

Facing "time" brings me those inexplicable and mysterious feelings and I think it was probably one of the most amazing experiences that I face every day life.

Every time I face "time", I realize something so important in life.

I cannot live in the past.

I cannot live in the future.

This moment is all I got.

Addicted to the enigmatic country ~ Burdock root tempura udon (Gobo tempura)

My girl friend cooked a burdock Root tempura Udon when I stayed at her house in Japan.
It was a little surreal to see someone peeling the burdock root neatly, soaking it in the water, draining it, making tempura batter, deep frying it and boiling Udon at the same time.

She performed all those detailed preparation beautifully and smoothly.

As I was watching her performance, I realize that Japan is becoming more and more beautifully enigmatic place to me and I am becoming more myself.

I almost forgot about how it is like to make a simple Udon to someone I care.

I realize that a genuine friendship does not reside in something so tangible but intangible, such as just being together, eating food together and laughing about how we can be silly together.

The laughter together with best friends has probably the most power to erase all those little annoying things instantly and it makes you realize that what is a real happiness.

I am in love with my friendships and addicted to this enigma.

Sepiatone days ~ New love

I longed for the love that I never experienced in the midst of visiting my old places.

I feel so lonly because I missed myself in those sepiatone days and feel like I want to fall in love with someone who reminds me a piece of who I was.

Don't know how to express this bittersweet feeling but know that I can only live at this moment.

Maybe, this is an inevitable process of falling in love with myself.

This process is simply a compassion of the universe which have made me encounter old love, old friends, new love, new friends and new myself.

A brave myself is asking me like this,

"How can you miss this incredible opportunity?
Just do it. Embrace the life that you are and you will become the one you long for"

A coffee shop sign - A break from this absurd reality

I must write this feeling before I forget because it was so subtle but powerful.

It was a sign hanging at a small coffee shop on South 1st Street.

The sign said something like "freshly grounded coffee beans...."

That simple phrase made me realize that life has to keep going no matter what.

I felt that someone must have kept that coffee shop running to be true to what they are saying in the sign, otherwise, that store would not have lasted by now.

Likewise, I would not have lasted by now if I was not true to myself by being honest and open myself to show vulnerability to others. 

While an abundant social media information by self-deceiving people are creeping me out, that sign gave me a break.

It was a break from this absurd reality.

It was a moment of tranquility.

I am so glad that I had a luxury to drive alone and feel that way.

I live for such moment.

Who the hell am I loving you so long?

When you said "I cannot live without you", 

love was easy and given to me.

I realize that I was the one who could not live without you.

I tried to fall in love with somebody else but could not.

I tried to mimic another true love but could not.

Because million times of infatuation were not even close to one moment of love I got from you.

Now, I know that you are the reason I am here.

You are the reason I live.

Now, I ask myself, 

"who the hell am I loving you so long?"