My book...revealing who truly I am

I have received my first autobiographic non-fiction novel, which will be released in Japan on 12/1 nationwide. I am so overwhelmed with joys and tears.

This book is filled with my many tears, broken hearts, feeling of rock bottom, regrets and Buddhism essence which ultimately transforms all these experiences into hopes, joys and a courage to live.

Responses from those who already read this book are beyond my imagination. 

I know they are my close friends and family who play roles in my book... but the fact that my young friend who is characterized as a hippie guitar boy in San Francisco sobbing the entire time while reading the book, the fact my childhood friend in Japan bursting into tears at the scene my big brother saving me at a crucial time, the fact my old friend in McAllen Texas reading it twice in two days and the fact they read it without putting my book down are all overwhelming.

These responses are extraordinary events to me.

Through this experience, I started pondering the purpose of expressing ourselves through the arts.

Is it for fame, self-complacency, recognition, or just simply making money? 

The more I think about it, the more I feel that unnecessary things and people in my life are naturally fading away from me.

This means that I assured that life is too short to waste my time being around those who only hope that writing a book is equal to being famous and rich.

A process of publishing my book taught me a truth which only comes from pure hearts that never know how to do fake smiles and never know how to turn on charm and tell people exactly what people want to hear such as "you are so special (important) person in my life" in order to disguise their deceptions.

The truth I learned is the two extreme realities, the authenticity in simply beautiful people and the fake in complex and confused people. 

Therefore, the purpose of expressing myself through my writing is becoming clearer...it is to reveal who I am and help me to live true to myself so that I can inspire others do the same.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

People in US can order my book from Japanese bookstore in US such as Kinokuniya. 

Also, you can buy from Amazon Japan or any online bookstores. 

Please refer to the links below.

http://www.kinokuniya.com/us/index.php/jpn/fbs003?common_param=9784776537137

http://www.7netshopping.jp/books/detail/-/accd/1106354033/

http://www.e-hon.ne.jp/bec/SA/Detail?refShinCode=0100000000000033011828&Action_id=121&Sza_id=GG

I can feel yours...

How many times did I wish I could stop time?  

I cannot remember...

Time would never stop and ticks away.

I used to feel that it is the most cruel thing.

Now, I am getting to discover that it is the most compassionate thing,

because I can gaze into my past, present and bright future and feel a dynamism in me, and I can feel yours.

Indestructible treasure tower - my mother's lunch box

The night was a night that I realized amazing facts of life.

The fact that I would no longer have someone who would embrace me so deeply, having someone who cuddle me from behind in the bed, or I would no longer fall in love with anybody else did not crush me, but the fact that I would never receive phone calls from him crushed me to pieces.

The night was bizarrely quiet and cold and it matched his death beautifully.

I was so tired after working ten hours in bustling San Francisco Financial District and on the way to my car which was parked at BART station parking lot.

I was heading to my car and could hear my shoes clicking clicking. 

Nothing but a beautiful full moon and a sensational feeling of enigmatic time accompanied me. 

This enigmatic time made me feel that I could go through my car like a ghost and keep walking...and finally reach to where he would be...not in this planet but beyond time and space.

The enigmatic night made me realize that I was not able to see his greatness while he was alive due to a cloudy mirror called "life" and now see it clearly because of a clear mirror called "death".  

Now, I can see his greatness more and more every day, which makes 'life" so cruelly bittersweet.

I remember that I have always believed a wonderful Buddhism teaching which elucidated that "our life is a treasure tower".  

This is the very time that I have to engrave this fact of life in me besides things to crush me to pieces....that his life is a treasure tower which is indestructible, therefore, he will never leave me.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Speaking of Treasure tower, what could ever make me so happy and healthy regardless of  bittersweet facts of life but my mother's indestructible lunch when I was in Elementary school in Japan. 

It was truly a treasure tower in my life and eternally was engraved in me physically and spiritually.

お母さん、万歳！

Rice with Umeboshi <Ultra sour picked plum>; boiled eggs, stir fried vegetables and meats

Nishoku Gohan (means two-colored rice); rice with scrambled eggs and minced meat.

Life is so amazing....just a piece of Universe

When I saw a man who looked drunk with very sad eyes standing at my door asking if he could come to my soul mate's funeral with T-shirt and jeans, I said to him, " Of course. I remember you, Jim-boooo, right? Clark used to call you like that" 

It was so incredible that I was looking at someone who took my soul mate to a hospital for a surgery in the summer of 2007, and, now 2009 January, that same person was standing in front of me looking like he was going to burst into tears at my door.

I said to him, "Thank you for taking Clark to the hospital... I was in Japan that summer and you were so kind to take him..." and I thought, "What am I saying? He is dead, it does not matter any more"

Life is so amazing....because we never know what will happen next moment.

When I see those moments objectively and ponder it later, I realize that I, who live in the moments, am just a piece of Universe and can only live in those moments.

As I was looking at Jim-boooo, I also realized that when we die, we all surely die, so Clark will never come back to me.

When the drunk Jim-booooo stood in front of a microphone at the funeral service, I knew it would become the most heartfelt condolence.  

And yes, it did. 

I will never forget Jim-boooo, his sad eyes, shabby jeans and tipsy eulogy and always remember his heart and those days that I honestly so much in love with someone.

Azuki bean paste - Live true to yourself

Josei Toda, who is my mentor's mentor said, "Live true to yourself" just before he ended his incredible life of a great ordinary person. 

His insight pierced directly through people's miseries and unhappiness, and its effect still echoed in my heart 55 years after his death in 1958.  

He had an extraordinary passion to inspire and encourage suffering people.
When he encouraged people, he manipulated the Buddhism life philosophy in his own unique way and transformed it into simple analogies of our daily lives.

For example, he said that we were all born to be happy, but without experiencing hardships, we cannot enjoy happy life, just like adding a pinch of salt into sweet red-bean (Azuki bean) soup to enhance the sweetness intensity. ( or salt to watermelon; salt to baked goods)

His spiritual legacy from my mentor became my lifeblood, therefore, I was not defeated when I was fired abruptly ten days after my husband lost his job (Never imagined in million years that he would die abruptly eight months after this incident).

In fact, I was admiring a beauty of high-rise buildings against blue sky background from a window on 18th floor in San Francisco financial district when I was fired, and then said to those cowards with smile, "Thank you for firing me so I can grow" 

By Josei Toda

Whether you suffer from poverty or failure in business, 
or you are miserable because of marital discord, 
or you get injured falling over a charcoal brazier, 
ultimately all such sufferings are your own life. 

They are manifestations of the living phenomenon that is your life.  
When we view things in this way, we see that 
all occurrences in our daily existence are changes in our lives.  

The important thing, therefore, is to try to cause more positive changes 
and ceaselessly make efforts to secure happiness.

So the key is to live true to yourself....

To live based on other people or circumstances,
always thinking,
"Things would be fine if that person would only do such-and-such,"
or "If the world were only like this then I could be happy,"
is a mistake, is it not?

You have to realize that living true to yourself is the only way.

No matter where we go, we can never escape from our self.
Happiness and misery, everything in life, is contained in the single word oneself.  

Ultimately, victory or defeat in life comes down to a matter of
disciplining and dignifying this inescapable thing that is the self.





Oshiruko - Sweet Redbean paste (Azuki bean) souce

Imagawayaki - Round pancake filled with Azuki bean paste

Sweet Azuki bean Agar

Stoned Baked Japanese Sweet Potatoes~ A veil of night

It was around 6 pm when I got off my work in mid January, Austin Texas in a very tasteless industrial shopping mall parking lot.

As I was driving out of that parking lot, suddenly, I surely felt a veil of night and felt indescribably content.  It was like the whole scene was enveloped in mist and I felt very nostalgic.

Catching such moment when driving alone was so incredible that I had to think, "What was that?" as if I saw a ghost.

I remember that moment was a little hazy and light blue, and it was far from the miseries I had to witness every day in my environment.

Even though it was a split second feeling, I felt that moment forever.

I remember that moment was so quiet that it had a power to make me someone I never thought I could be...a quiet person.

Maybe, I am a truly quiet person because I was able to catch such quiet moment.

That moment was a collection of intangible things in a split second.

Maybe, I really don't need anything anymore such as a brand new car, a nice house, a spouse, retirement savings, etc. if I can feel such moment.

If I can feel such moment with a jazz piano of Bill Evans, it would be a complete world to me.

As I am writing these amazing feelings, I feel a strong presence next to me which is gazing at me so intensely and hoping forever that he can have flying Japanese sweet potato I am eating.

I remember that long time ago in Japan, I heard sound of whistle and voice like singing "Ishiyaki Imo~, Ishiyaki Imo~<stone baked sweet potatoes>" from a push-cart vendors selling stone baked Japanese sweet potatoes after dark...it was definitely a veil of night...in a very cold season eating hot Japanese sweet potatoes was one of the best eating snack memories in my life.

Now in US, I am thinking of nostalgic intangible quiet moment with my huge black lab sitting next to me, throwing him Japanese sweet potato cooked in a microwave and enjoying his vacuum like sound catching those in the air.

I could never train him to be a world champion of Frisbee but...maybe, a world champion of catching Japanese sweet potatoes in the air.

Anmitsu - beautiful people do not just happen

I have learned a new joy after experiencing my soul mate's death. 

This joy, which cost his life, is very interesting. It is like a game because I play with my emotions and desires by being caught in a paradox.

It is comprised of a strong sentiment coming from yearnings for something that I really want to get but cannot because I decide I better not to get. The stronger I yearn for and abstain myself from it, I become more powerful.  The sentiment is so strong that it brings me tears which can purify my being emotionally, spiritually and physically.  This whole process gives me a deep joy. It is almost like an ecstasy.  

I strongly yearn for my sexuality, ego, and to some extent, vanity.
The more I abstain from sexuality, I become more sexual than ever.
The more I abstain from ego, I am in control of myself more than ever.
The more I abstain from vanity and focus on spirituality, I become more physically beautiful.

For some reason, I connect this new joy with Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's words:

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known 

defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, 

and have found their way out of the depths.  

These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity
and an understanding of life that fills them with 

compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  

Beautiful people do not just happen. 

Maybe because, I found my way out of his loss and I know that I no longer can be knocked down by deep sorrows.

Maybe because, enjoying those thick layer of emotions (a new joy) can make me so human that I can appreciate and have a sensitivity.

Maybe, what really makes me human is when I break the abstinence after playing such game and I become true to myself.

Therefore, I have decided to continue to yearn for more and more my sexuality, ego and to some extent vanity, so that I can pursue this new joy.

Unfortunately, when it comes to Japanese desert, I have no control to play such game.  I yearn for it and have to eat before it is too late for my soul. The ultimate desert that I yearn is Anmitsu which contains many beautiful colorful ingredients like those thick emotions.  The ingredients are mainly Agar (Japanese gelatin made by sea vegetable) which amazingly balance nutrition and beauty for my body and soul and I feel that Anmitsu makes me so human and very Japanese.

Anmitsu

Ingredients:

For Kanten jelly:

1 2/3 cup water

1/2 stick kanten (agar agar), or 1 tsp kanten powder

1-2 Tbsp sugar *adjust the amount to your preference

For Syrup:

1/4 cup water

2/3 cup sugar

For Toppings:

1/3 cup anko (sweet bean paste)

fruits slices, such as kewi, strawberries or oranges

ice cream

• Soak kanten stick in water for one hour or until softened. Squeeze softened kanten and tear it into small pieces. 
• Add the kanten pieces or kanten powder in 1 2/3 cup of water in a medium pan and bring to a boil, stirring. Turn down the heat to low. Simmer until the kanten dissolves well, stirring. 
• Add sugar and stir well. Pour the liquid in a flat container and cool to firm. 
• To make syrup, mix 1/4 cup of water and 2/3 cup sugar in a sauce pan and heat to dissolve sugar. Cool the syrup. 
• Cut kanten jelly into small cubes. Serve kanten jelly and fruits into individual bowls. Pour syrup over the ingredients and top with anko.

Serve immediately and eat until you feel turning Japanese..