Life goes on no matter what....so many gifts in my life

This Christmas, I saw beautiful gift boxes at a Coffee shop falling from the sky.

Those were shinning in the pitch-dark sky as if telling me that there are so many gifts in our life.

It reminded me of amazing gifts that I received all these years.

I started thinking of those gifts and felt tremendous fortune and joy in my life because I have those gifts forever in me and nobody can take away from me.

They instantly froze in my heart when give to me and manifest in my vision once a while when I need most.

A beautiful sky that I saw many years ago,

A stormy weather that I enjoyed so much in a lonely night,

Many beautiful tears from my friends when I had to say good-bye,

My mother's graceful smiles,

My soul mate's gaze far beyond the horizon, 

and so on.

Life goes on no matter what...

Mozart's Coffee Roasters in Austin Texas

An artist ~ an extraordinary spirit

You can buy the whole world and you are empty

but when you create the whole world, you are full.

~Louise Nevelson~

Louise Nevelson had never been real to me until I started discovering a piece of me that I never knew.

It happened at the right time when I started to catching a glimpse of reality such as

my dog's aging by seeing him slightly declining of his mobility, 

my own aging by sending a telegraph to my nephew's wedding in Japan who used to be on my lap and 

seeing myself in the self-view of a virtual conference at work and feeling "Is this me? I look like my grandma. My grandma was prettier than this "

I may not have such an extraordinary spirit like her who never gave up on her ability to create although she was discouraged about life and discouraged about blind people not understanding her art almost 40 years but I have a spirit to feel her closer to me than ever now.

She said, "The very nature of creation is not a performing glory on the outside, it's a painful, difficult search within"

Louise, just like your art, which some people say they can hear Bach, I want to create something that people can hear music and feel their own true heart.

Nothing can surpass you when you understand who truly you are and your depth.

A perfect hideaway~ Shinjuku,Tokyo to Sado Island ~

I felt so isolated from my reality when I was riding a train in Shinjuku,Tokyo and watching those stoic Japanese people who seemed to be so indifferent to each other.

It was surreal that I was the only one who was dragging a heavy suitcase in the crowded train and I was the only one who was gasping.

As I was holding on to the strap and calming down, I shifted my gaze to outside of the window and the very familiar and nostalgic scenery was coming into view.

tall buildings...

huge signs of corporations...

the roofs of the houses overlapping...

the sky....

and myself

I felt myself staring into my soul and remember I was once one of these people.

I feel a wonder of life that your life can be changed in one moment, one day, one year, one decade, two decades, three decades, and so on.

Feeling an isolation in a crowded train and staring into my soul already gave me a feeling of perfect hideaway even before arriving at Sado Island, where my friend would describe as an incredibly quiet village with almost no people to be seen in the streets yet feeling a buzz.

This trip traveling two-thirds of Japan visiting my friends and family and ending in Sado Island gave me a complete rest and freedom because I was able to examine my life and see who I was and who I am, and maybe, who I will be…

I realized that dealing with daily choirs, going to work every day and making ends meet made me feel this completeness.

I am so glad that I am an ordinary working class person.

I am feeling a buzz in my life.

"Time" fascinates me - This moment is all I got

"Time" fascinates me.

When I sat on the same spot of a front porch where my soul mate sat 40 years ago with his first guitar, I felt something so incredible in "time"

When I saw the sky and the trees from a window of my friend's car driving from Morioka to Aomori in Japan, I felt something so beautiful in "time".

The "time" did not destroy a beauty of the sky and trees in that Northern Part of Japan since I left there.

The "time" did not make me sad when I sat on the front porch but made the 12 years old boy in the pic with his guitar so shinning because his soul mate visited and honored him 40 years later.

Facing "time" brings me those inexplicable and mysterious feelings and I think it was probably one of the most amazing experiences that I face every day life.

Every time I face "time", I realize something so important in life.

I cannot live in the past.

I cannot live in the future.

This moment is all I got.

Addicted to the enigmatic country ~ Burdock root tempura udon (Gobo tempura)

My girl friend cooked a burdock Root tempura Udon when I stayed at her house in Japan.
It was a little surreal to see someone peeling the burdock root neatly, soaking it in the water, draining it, making tempura batter, deep frying it and boiling Udon at the same time.

She performed all those detailed preparation beautifully and smoothly.

As I was watching her performance, I realize that Japan is becoming more and more beautifully enigmatic place to me and I am becoming more myself.

I almost forgot about how it is like to make a simple Udon to someone I care.

I realize that a genuine friendship does not reside in something so tangible but intangible, such as just being together, eating food together and laughing about how we can be silly together.

The laughter together with best friends has probably the most power to erase all those little annoying things instantly and it makes you realize that what is a real happiness.

I am in love with my friendships and addicted to this enigma.

Sepiatone days ~ New love

I longed for the love that I never experienced in the midst of visiting my old places.

I feel so lonly because I missed myself in those sepiatone days and feel like I want to fall in love with someone who reminds me a piece of who I was.

Don't know how to express this bittersweet feeling but know that I can only live at this moment.

Maybe, this is an inevitable process of falling in love with myself.

This process is simply a compassion of the universe which have made me encounter old love, old friends, new love, new friends and new myself.

A brave myself is asking me like this,

"How can you miss this incredible opportunity?
Just do it. Embrace the life that you are and you will become the one you long for"

A coffee shop sign - A break from this absurd reality

I must write this feeling before I forget because it was so subtle but powerful.

It was a sign hanging at a small coffee shop on South 1st Street.

The sign said something like "freshly grounded coffee beans...."

That simple phrase made me realize that life has to keep going no matter what.

I felt that someone must have kept that coffee shop running to be true to what they are saying in the sign, otherwise, that store would not have lasted by now.

Likewise, I would not have lasted by now if I was not true to myself by being honest and open myself to show vulnerability to others. 

While an abundant social media information by self-deceiving people are creeping me out, that sign gave me a break.

It was a break from this absurd reality.

It was a moment of tranquility.

I am so glad that I had a luxury to drive alone and feel that way.

I live for such moment.

Who the hell am I loving you so long?

When you said "I cannot live without you", 

love was easy and given to me.

I realize that I was the one who could not live without you.

I tried to fall in love with somebody else but could not.

I tried to mimic another true love but could not.

Because million times of infatuation were not even close to one moment of love I got from you.

Now, I know that you are the reason I am here.

You are the reason I live.

Now, I ask myself, 

"who the hell am I loving you so long?"

Nothing's gonna change my world ~ Across The Universe

As soon as I touch the vastness of John Lennon in  "Across the Universe", the world around me becomes so transparently interconnected and I can easily embrace my body and emotions. 

When I do it, embracing myself as a whole, I am able to embrace my solitude, which is the most beautiful thing on the planet and I stop chasing anything and things just come to me. 

Things means everything...my past, presence and future...

Words are flowing out Like endless rain into a paper cup

They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind possessing and caressing me

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes

They call me on and on across the universe

Thoughts meander like a restless wind Inside a letter box

They tumble blindly as they make their way Across the universe

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life Are ringing through my opened ears

Inciting and inviting me Limitless undying love

Which shines around me like a million suns

It calls me on and on across the universe

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

Nothing's gonna change my world

~Across The Universe by John Lennon~

Towada Lake, Aomori, Japan

Windy Point, Austin, Texas

University of Texas, Austin, Texas

After all, MSG is not so bad? ~ Colors of my life ~ Sushi

There was an amazing story of MSG creation ~ 100 years ago in Japan, a devoted wife's loving cooking using dried seaweed for her chemist husband lead to a discovery of "Umami", which eventually lead to a discovery of MSG ~

Then, a hilarious anti-MSG story back in late 1960 was born ~ Chinese Restaurant Syndrome (CRS) by a Chinese American doctor ~ 

There was an intriguing fact that a component of MSG (glutamate) is found naturally occurring in the human body and amino acid, which is one of the building blocks of protein.

There was more intriguing fact that most living things on earth contain glutamate and it is also in many foods, including tomatoes, walnuts, pecans, Parmesan cheese, peas, mushrooms and soy sauce.

I knew Umami (Japanese word means "deliciousness" ) derived from dried seaweed (one of the healthiest ingredients on the planet) became fifth flavor addition to four primary human taste - sweet, sour, bitter and salty -

After all, my gut feeling was right. Anything consumed in excess amount is no good. Maybe, there was not a single thing we can point and say, "it is bad for you" 

Maybe, getting allergic reactions to food is still a huge mystery to human being because it could be truly to the ingredients or seasoning used in the food, or to a preconception of the ingredients, or to the smell just passing by, or to something in the air, or even to someone who sat next to you while eating....never know.

I have never used MSG in my cooking in my entire adult life but remember seeing my mother using just one shake of MSG bottle onto the whole soup pot. The amount used in the pot which fed the entire six family members may be about 2 or 3 crystal pieces out of ten thousand pieces in the bottle...means it was atomic size.

Never heard anybody had headache nor allergic reactions to MSG when grown up in Japan.

After all, I am still addicted to life that brings delicious food and wonderful company to eat with whether the food is cooked by MSG or organic top-notch ingredients.

All these, MSG creation story, hilarious CRS story and my mother's love and ingenuity for cooking added beautiful colors in my life.

Especially, when I eat Sushi with wonderful friends, I feel that the shiny beautiful ingredients with lots of amino acid on top of vinegar rice are truly becoming colors of my life.

Saba (mackerel), Hamachi (yellow tail), Salmon, Shrimp, Squid

Tamago (Eggs), Salmon, Squid, Scallop

Buri Ponzu (yellow tail), Ikura (Salmon Caviar), Scallop, Konchi Shell, 

Katsuo Tataki (Bonito)

Beautiful Sushi in Daito restaurant in Austin Texas in 2015
restaurantdaito.com

There must be a way out for the blue sky

I thought there must be a way out for the blue sky when I lost somebody so important in my life seven years ago.

I had been searching for the way out and waiting for being illuminated by the beautiful blue sky.

One day, I dragged myself on to the land and I looked up the sky.

It was a cloudless blue sky but my heart was still corrupted by a huge loss.

Then, I started seeing branches of the tree moving and feeling a breeze blowing through my hair.

I started seeing grass, trees, neighbor's roof....and realized that it was not only the blue sky what makes it beautiful.

Then, I remembered that I saw the same sky with him and felt the same gentle wind with him.

I realized something so special in the huge loss.

I never look at the sky the same way.

I see his legacy in the blue sky. 

I see my future in the blue sky.

Now, I am mastering to have a panoramic view of all the legacies from the lives I learned whether it be cloudy or blue sky.

You know I am feeling more...

I had always been wanting to know who truly were those people who asked me a strange question, "Do you own a home?"

while I wanted to ask a question," Do you own a pet? Do you like dogs? " 

I had always been wondering why I don't care so much about going to Caribbean cruise like others do, 
while I care so much driving at twilight hour in the evening around beautiful neighborhood near downtown Austin and starring at old luxury homes.

I had always been wondering why people ask questions such as "why don't you want to marry again? " "Why don't you want to date?"
while I wanted to respond "Why do I want to?"

I maybe be weird or selfish but I have learned exactly what my soul needs to rejuvenate my life, such as;

I would rather have roughly chopped iceberg lettuce salad with real buttered toast than elegant pieces of spring salad mix with multi grain breads.

I would rather be alone and throwing frisbee for my dog at my backyard and may be eating Ochazuke (steamed rice with hot green tea) than going to a restaurant that I rarely go with bunch of people to celebrate acquaintance's birthday and don't know what to order.

However, when I stopped analyzing those people and even stopped analyzing my feelings of sadness and joy, I started having full of desires, hopes and dreams.  

When I heard my musician friend singing a Beatles song "Your mother should know" at his mother's funeral, I felt that song more than I ever felt before....

I am living full and thinking less, and you know, I am feeling more.

The moments I feel happiness...something so human and nostalgic

In my backyard, on a beautiful sunny day, I am looking at my black lab chasing a frisbee toy and I am feeling something so nostalgic.

It is the air that I felt so nostalgic.

It is the fragrance in the air that I cannot even smell but I feel something so nostalgic fragrance.

It is the brightness of the sun coming from a beautiful endless blue sky that I feel something so nostalgic.

I described in my first published novel called "At this moment, I feel happiness" that there is always something in the sky, in the air and in the natural brightness that never changes no matter how many years pass by....there is something fundamentally the same there.

When I suddenly see the sepia tone sunset illuminating the streets while I am driving, I feel awed.

There is no difference between here I am in Austin Texas 2015 feeling something so nostalgic and a bobbed hair Japanese girl in Japan mid 1970s surrounded by endless beautiful scenery feeling so joyful playing with friends.

Something fundamentally the same there....

Although a reality tells me that so many things have been changed in the past thirty years such as no more telephone booth in the street corner, instead, people talking to invisible someone while shopping at grocery stores or constantly looking down sending text message instead of walking joyfully looking straight ahead...no more.

The fundamental sameness is "sense" that we feel which makes us feel nostalgic and happy.

These are the moments that I feel so human when I feel so nostalgic....touching the air, smelling the wind, looking at endless sky.

These are the moments I feel happiness.

Conquering my lesser self - Steak with an espresso coffee

It was a cold drizzling night which perfectly fitted my overwhelming mixed feelings - inadequate and empowering.

I was driving home after work.

I was tired and pensive.

I was thinking of the lifeless intensive face which had been shadowing my mind since he said to me earlier today, "you have not even mastered this yet...." with cold and arrogant tone.
It was just enough to make me feel inadequate.

I was also thinking of a beautiful face which told me, "every time you leave my place, I feel I can conquer the world....thank you"
It was just enough to make me feel empowering.

I decided to eat out hoping to wash away those cold drizzling feelings.
So, I went to a cozy Mediterranean restaurant in my neighborhood.

The restaurant was a little crowded being Friday night but they had a perfect spot for me in the corner.
I passed by a joyful crowd who were posing for a camera taken by an waitress and sat down at the corner table. 
After I ordered the usual and was watching that joyful crowd in front of me, an waitress came to my table and asked me,

"Do you want an espresso coffee with your steak?"
"How did you know?"
"They said you always order a rare steak and an espresso, you are like a celebrity."

It was a magic moment.

I remember who truly I am. 

I am the one who has already mastered how to cherish and enjoy my solitude. 
I am the one who could make someone feel powerful and joyful.

Suddenly, I remembered that lifeless intensive face and realized that his laugh with twitching face and uptight voice was inadequate and he himself was a master of inadequate.

I realized that I needed that inadequate feeling in order to experience this magic moment.

As my realization progressed from that moment, I was again able to celebrate my life with this wonderful meal.

I was again able to contemplate my life and realize how powerful and beautiful my life has become.

I know that I can smile at the master of inadequate tomorrow.

The amazing power resides in that smile after conquering my lesser self world.