Conquering my lesser self - Steak with an espresso coffee

It was a cold drizzling night which perfectly fitted my overwhelming mixed feelings - inadequate and empowering.

I was driving home after work.

I was tired and pensive.

I was thinking of the lifeless intensive face which had been shadowing my mind since he said to me earlier today, "you have not even mastered this yet...." with cold and arrogant tone.
It was just enough to make me feel inadequate.

I was also thinking of a beautiful face which told me, "every time you leave my place, I feel I can conquer the world....thank you"
It was just enough to make me feel empowering.

I decided to eat out hoping to wash away those cold drizzling feelings.
So, I went to a cozy Mediterranean restaurant in my neighborhood.

The restaurant was a little crowded being Friday night but they had a perfect spot for me in the corner.
I passed by a joyful crowd who were posing for a camera taken by an waitress and sat down at the corner table. 
After I ordered the usual and was watching that joyful crowd in front of me, an waitress came to my table and asked me,

"Do you want an espresso coffee with your steak?"
"How did you know?"
"They said you always order a rare steak and an espresso, you are like a celebrity."

It was a magic moment.

I remember who truly I am. 

I am the one who has already mastered how to cherish and enjoy my solitude. 
I am the one who could make someone feel powerful and joyful.

Suddenly, I remembered that lifeless intensive face and realized that his laugh with twitching face and uptight voice was inadequate and he himself was a master of inadequate.

I realized that I needed that inadequate feeling in order to experience this magic moment.

As my realization progressed from that moment, I was again able to celebrate my life with this wonderful meal.

I was again able to contemplate my life and realize how powerful and beautiful my life has become.

I know that I can smile at the master of inadequate tomorrow.

The amazing power resides in that smile after conquering my lesser self world.

Music that reminds me who I am

My most favorite things are....

Soft breeze touching my cheek

Moonlight reflection on water

A bright sun rays shining through the branches of the tree

An off day that I do not have to set an alarm

A cold night that inspires to cook something warm and nostalgic

The serenity of rainy day which makes me feel purified from the core of my life

Amazing foods that nurtured me and continued to keep me alive

Music that reminds me who I am

Pure hearted people who makes me cry 

Golden memories that nobody can destroy

Lifelong romance is pretty fascinating

I had been so busy loving a man more than I should that I was not able to begin my lifelong romance until he ended his life.

In fact, I did not know what is my lifelong romance until he was physically gone from me.

It was a death that changed my life forever.

It happened suddenly in beautiful January 2009.

The universe was celebrating my new journey when I was crying.

In his casket, he looked like he was giving me a subdued smile when I was crying 

as if he knew that I would be able to rejoice to live my life without him, 

as if he knew that my lifelong romance would surely happen, 

and as if he was confident that my love toward him is so powerful that nothing would destroy me.

Like Cherokee's proverb, we cried when we were born and the world rejoiced, but we can live our life so that when we die, the world cries and we rejoice.

Now, I know that he rejoiced when he died.

Now, I am rejoicing my life with every ounce of my being knowing that living the life having so much to gain and nothing to lose is pretty powerful.

Living the life like Oscar Wild said, "to love oneself is beginning of lifelong romance" is pretty fascinating.

Miraculous people do not just happen - Human revolution / Ochazuke

Beautiful people do not just happen....

This is what I wrote in my blog in January 2013.

I was describing my sexuality after losing my most beloved person in my life.
Instead of being haunted by the sad event, I was able to transform it to a journey of a truly strong and beautiful life just like Dr. Elizabeth Kuber-Ross's brilliant words.

Happy people do not just happen....

This is what I am writing in my blog in August 2014.

I am describing my somewhat feeling of fulfillment and joy after I learned that I may be on my probation at work and trying to analyze this paradoxical feeling experience...why do I feel this way???? 

I remember my soul mate said to me once long time ago when we were chanting together, 

" I feel deep joy inside me...don't know how to describe it."  

Am I experiencing similar to what he said?  

Maybe I feel this way because finally after 25 years of practicing Buddhism, I truly understood that nothing can destroy me, and started seeing more fears and insecurities in people and becoming more compassionate to them?  Or, maybe because I truly understood my mentor's word, "when you defeat, you can make a cause to win"? 

Miraculous people do not just happen...

This is what I will write eternally in my heart.

I will describe how I change my own destiny through my efforts and perseverance and make impossible possible in my journey. People may call it "miracle" but I call it "human revolution " which is a term and concept that I learned from my mentors and changed the way I look at life forever.

"Human Revolution" only took candles, incense, prayers, words of encouragement and a courage squarely face to myself and take action for my journey. 
Now I know that my paradoxical feeling and deep joy inside me comes from an affirmation that all the actions I took whether it was negative or positive can be transformed to a true beauty, happiness and miraculous life because of my human revolution.

***************************************************

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known 

defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, 

and have found their way out of the depths.  

These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity
and an understanding of life that fills them with 

compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  

Beautiful people do not just happen. 

by Dr. Elizabeth Kuber-Ross

***************************************************

As my life goes to a journey of an ultimate beauty, my eating style is becoming more simple yet so tasty....scarfing watermelon down with my dog in this Texas heat and chow Ochazuke down.

Ochazuke is a simple Japanese meal made by pouring hot water or green tea with dashi (sea kelp stock) over cooked rice with savoury toppings such as Umeboshi (Ultra sour picked plum), seaweed, sesame seeds, salted salmon, Japanese pickles and scallions and wasabi, etc.

Ochazuke

• a bowl of cooked rice
• 1 umeboshi (pickled plum)
• Takuan slivers (pickled daikon radish)
• Nori (dried Japanese seaweed), folded and crumbled
• 1 or 2 pieces grilled salted salmon
• Wakame furikake (dry mix of kelp-based seasoning for rice), handful
• Green tea or boiled water
• salt to taste

Also you can use an instant ochazuke which contains freeze-dried toppings and seasonings.

Yes to my life in spite of everything / Sepia tone flavor - stir fried vegetables

Yesterday, I was looking at a person's eyes as I was listening to the person's talk and piercing through its surreal face, self-deception and pathetic soul and realized that I can no longer be mad at such people anymore no matter what they do to me, because I could see their ignorance of their true nature manifesting in their physical presence. 

Just like a yoga instructor in California once said, "we hold negative emotions in our hip such as a fear, guilt and sadness....therefore you can release those emotions by opening muscles around your hips"

As soon as I recognize their physical presence is proportionate to their feelings, I open my spiritual muscles so I can loosen up my reaction to their strong negative emotions.

Never knew that a good human nature - compassion - works that way until I encounter such people. 

For the first time, Dr. Frankl's words, "Yes to my life in spite of everything" become real to me.

I must say "Yes" to such people and embrace them so that I can be untouchable in spite of them trying to destroy my life.

I will continue to say yes to my life......in spite of having too much of a gap between a dream and reality.

*******

Stir fried vegetables

Whenever I need to purify my body and soul from those contaminated realities, I eat stir-fried vegetables with rice, noodle or just by itself and a nostalgia comes back to me...

I forgot how I was an indestructible Japanese teen-age girl who ate lots of stir-fried vegetables which still echoed in me and actually made me who I am today.

Ingredients:

• 2 Table spoon oil
• Fresh Ginger & Garlic (finely chopped) or Ginger & Garlic paste
• chili pepper (small amount...optional...it will enhance the flavor better)
• sea salt
• 1/2 Table spoon sesame oil
• red bell pepper
• yellow onion (thinly sliced)
• white cabbage (coarsely cut)
• mushrooms
• bean sprouts
• broccoli (chopped)
• Any vegetables you like such as green onions, carrots, squash
• Any meats you like such as pork, chicken, beef

Cooking:

• In a work or large skillet, heat the oil over high heat
• Add chili pepper, ginger and garlic
• Add  vegetables in the order of hard veges to soft - broccoli->red peppers->onions->mushrooms->cabbage
• Continue to stir fry until the vegetables becomes crisp-tender
• Sprinkle sea salt
• Add sesame oil
• Serve immediately

Passion

Go where your passion point and crash down if you have to.

I am about to crash down because my passion is dallying with dangers such as my complex emotions, insecurity and impatience.

I know I am almost there...

I know I am the one who created such monstrous fears and dangers in me.

I remember, long long time ago, my childhood friend got rid of my fears instantly through her kind words just like dew drops on the leaves disappearing with the morning sun .

Her words are still echoing in me.

My passion will not cease as long as I remember her compassion.

Transforming the eternal regret to "being trembled all over with joy"

I thought I regretted eternally for what I had done when I looked at my father's picture in a frame in my hometown Japan right after 12 hours flight from California. 

I remember depicting a word "Eternal Regret-永遠の後悔-" in my heart and realizing that the regret feeling was coming from neither the fact that I did not make to his funeral, nor I had not seen him for 14 years since I moved to US, but the fact that I made his crying face like a child as our last farewell when I departed Japan 14 years ago.

I could be crushed by this regret the rest of my life, but instead, I determined that I would not be defeated by it and make it as the most valuable lesson I could ever learn in my life.

The lesson was....we can only live in the moment, and every moment is a preparation for death, therefore, I need to live every moment as if it is my last moment of my life.

Now I can say that it is the best lesson that a parent can teach to children because I am living my life with my dream as a result of his lesson.

I am now trembled all over with joy. 

Otochan Yatta!!! お父ちゃん、やったぁ！

I just finished my final brush-up for my first book published in Japan in December.

 "Afterword" in my book:             

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Five years ago, I finished this original manuscript and mailed to a publisher in Japan for the first time. My soul mate, Clark, was still alive and I had not written "the second chapter - his funeral - " yet. After mailing my manuscript, I was driving a road after the rain exhilaratingly and realized that something caught in my eyes in the rear-view mirror. I glanced the mirror and saw a magnificent rainbow. I immediately stopped my car on a frontage road and gazed the rainbow for a while.

     I still remember vividly that it was a beautiful sunset time in Northern California.  The rainbow was as if celebrating my accomplishment of my dream.  

     My dream is to shine my soul mate's life and also to shine everyone's life through my book. 

     This book, my first step of my dream, contains many messages to those who follow their dreams, pursue wonderful friendships and soul mates, pursue career goals, struggle addiction and violent relationship, fathers raising daughters and those who don't care what others say but to live true to yourself, to all these people who fight every day for happiness.........and if, I can be of your inspiration to have hope and a sense of humor in the middle of your worst moment in your life, my mission is accomplished.

     

     I can still hear Clark humming "It was a dark and stormy night" every time he passed behind me when I was writing my book.

あとがき・・・

五年前に、このオリジナルの作品を完成させて、初めて出版社に原稿を投稿した日のことです。
まだソウルメートのクラークも生きていて、「第二の幕」は書かれていませんでした。

投稿した後、喜び一杯の私は、近所の郵便局から帰る途中、雨上がりの爽快な道をドライブしていました。
運転していて、ふと、バックミラーに何かがちらちらと見えたので、目をやったら、それは、鮮やかな虹でした。
まるで、虹が私を追いかけているようでした。私は、すぐ、わき道に車を止めて、車から降り、その虹にしばらく見とれていました。
美しい北カリフォルニアの夕暮れ時だったことは、今でも鮮明に覚えています。
その虹は、まるで、私の夢の達成感を祝福しているようでした。
私の夢とは、亡きソウルメートの生命を輝かせること、そして、それだけに終わらず、私が触れる人たちすべてを輝かすということです。
その夢の第一歩である本書は、夢を追い続けている人、素晴らしい友情やソウル・メートを求めている人、娘を持つ父親、キャリアで成功したい人、暴力の関係や中毒に悩む人、そして、とにかく誰に何と言われても気にせず自分らしく生きようとする人、そういう、日々、戦っている人たちへのメッセージが詰まっています。そして、一人でも多くの人が、どんなにつらい時でもユーモアのセンスと希望を持ち続けられるお手伝いができたら幸いです。

今でも、執筆をしていると、私の執筆中に、クラークが私の後ろを通るつど、鼻歌交じりで言っていた、”It was a dark and stormy night...暗い嵐の夜だった…” が聞こえてきます。
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~